Thursday, 26 November 2009

If Tales of the Underpant was a TV show



This would be the theme tune.
Performed by Girls Allowed (to be hairy down below if they want)

One night stands that happen every nigh-ight
Honestly, I’m not just full of shi-ite
I beat them away with a shitty sti-ick
Why would I lie I’ve got a massive di-ick

It’s not a blog to help your mast-ur-ba-tion
Nudie photos won’t be seen on here
This is aimed more at the comic nation
The only fluids will be when you cry a tear
Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

Kinky sex games featuring fresh la-ard
Thumb it in it isn’t getting ha-ard
Ripping nighties off just with your tee-eeth
Being serenaded by a bloke called Kei-eith

It’s not a blog to help your mast-ur-ba-tion
Nudie photos won’t be seen on here
This is aimed more at the comic nation
The only fluids will be when you cry a tear
Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke a
Just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

A deal to put in print all the piss he took
It's the tales of the under
Tales of the underpant
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
It's the tales of the under
Tales of the underpant

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Review




I have been reviewed!

Not only that but I've been reviewed well.

A friend pointed it out to me this morning. An actual review, written for Tales of the Underpant, on the blog for the awesome independant magazine Muckle Sandwich.

After reading it there was much blushing by me.

Go check them out, they do good stuff.

Also...to stay with the eroticomedy theme...erm...tits 'n' that.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Censorship



It's that ole devil called love again,
Gets behind me and keeps giving me that *beep* again,
Putting *beep* in my eyes, *beep* in my *beep*,
And *beep* in my *beep*.

It's that sly ole son of a gun again,
He keeps telling me, I'm the *beep* one again.
But I still have that *beep*, still have those *beep*,
And those *beep* in my *beep*.

S'pose I didnt stay - ran away - didn't play,
The devil what a *beep*, he would brew.

He'd follow me around, *beep* me up, tear me *beep*,
Till I'll be so bewildered, I wont know *beep* to *beep*.
Might as well, give up the *beep* again.
I know darn well, he'll convince me, that he's *beep* again.
When he sings that *beep* song, I'm just gonna *beep* *beep*,
With that ole devil called love.

He'd follow me around, *beep* me up, tear me *beep*,
Till I'll be so bewildered, I wont know *beep* to *beep*.
Might as well, give up the *beep* again.
I know darn well, he'll convince me that he's *beep* again.
When he sings that sorry song, I'm just gonna *beep* *beep*,
With that ole devil called love.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Forbidden love



He tenderly stroked her face. "Darling," he spoke softly, "would you wear that new outfit I bought you?" She didn't reply.

Taking her silence to mean no he continued. "You don't have to wear the whole outfit, how about just the basque?" Again she remained silent.

He tried not to huff, "Just the thong, stockings and suspenders then?"

"..."

"Stockings and suspenders?"

"..."

"Just the stockings then?" he pleaded, "pleeeeeease."

He looked into her eyes, his expression like that of a lost puppy. Finally she spoke.

"BAA!"

"Oh thank you darling." He replied gleefully.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

A love poem



You are so fine
Like a china doll
Your skin's so smooth...in patches
Your fashion sense
Is beyond compare
Except your underwear never matches
Your hair's so soft
Like fine spun gold
Just a pity there's none on your head
Your eyes do sparkle
Like the finest gems
They're a brilliant ruby red
Your lips are full
Your pout devine
You can barely see your 'tache
Your teeth are...there
They're in your mouth
They're the colour of fine fag ash
Your figure is sexy
You have all the right curves
Though they're not all in the right place
Your bosoms are perfect
Apart from one thing
They're too far away from your face
Your bum's like a peach
Straight out of a book
That one written by Roald Dahl
Your legs are stunning
They go on for miles
Though they don't consider each other a pal
I've written with love
It's been from the heart
You are my sexy old hag
When next we're alone
I'll turn down the lights
So I can't see you when we're having a shag

How's about it doll?

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Profanisaurus (option b)



Titania was unable to resist his overwhelming charms. She was becoming aroused in spite of herself, her rib cushions were sporting a couple of Bruce Lees.

The sight of his naked body made her tremble; his blue veined custard chucker was like a baby’s arm holding an apple. She let him undress her and stood there self consciously while he scanned her naked body taking in her top bollocks and bear trappers’ hat.

They embraced closely, both fully naked, and she could feel his dancers lance brushing against her fish mitten.

"I'd like to see you touch yourself." he said gently. She'd never been a gusset typist but she was caught up in the moment and she immediately reached for her budgies tongue.

"Put a finger inside." he demanded more forcefully. She slipped first one and then two digits inside her skin chimney. They went in easily as she was as wet as an otter’s pocket.

He held her wrist and lifted her fingers to his mouth. He licked her sweet juices from her fingers then whispered. "Mmm, disco fanny."

Using his wanking spanners he fiddled with her axe wound and chapel hat pegs. He traced his hand down her back and briefly touched her panda’s eye.

After feeding the pony for a few minutes he requested she kneel in front of him. She was inexperienced in the art of fellatio and she started off by giving him a Dizzy Gillespie, this obviously wasn't her strong point so they readjusted and she gave him a trombone instead.

He lifted her in his strong muscular arms and placed her naked body on the table. She was soon to be the receiver of swollen goods and she was giddy with excitement.
Placing his purple headed womb broom at the entrance to her serpent socket, he asked her if she was ready.

In a slightly trembling voice she said "Yes, I want you conkers deep in my moss cottage!"

He set about his task with gusto. Much to his surprise she went at it like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper and after a bit of double bassing he was ready to cough his filthy yoghurt.

As he was approaching Billy Mill roundabout he pulled out and furnished her with a full set of jelly jewellery. Her ripped out fireplace looked like a bulldog eating porridge.

"I think I love you." She exclaimed while he was having a zuffle.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Profanisaurus (option A)



"ROAR! Went the mighty dinosaur as it crashed through the undergrowth, it's muscular dinosaur legs causing the earth to tremble with every giant step. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. The fearsome beast stopped at the edge of a clearing as it spied a female of the species. Her sexy, scaly dinosaur hide aroused him causing his enormous dinosaur cock to become engorged and quite frankly frighteningly huge. He approached her with caution. On seeing his mighty dinosaur manhood she was overcome instantly with prehistoric animal lust and immediately assumed the position." He said.

"You're a fucking nutcase." She replied.

Friday, 6 November 2009

A poem



She hired a boat
She thought was a punt
He worked up a sweat
With his hands on her...oars

They'd been out for hours
They were miles from the dock
She checked for onlookers
Then wrapped her lips round his...sandwich

He raised up his head
Then exclaimed "mmm so juicy"
Then he got back to work
Licking and sucking her...strawberries

With the meal now over
She gave her lips a lick
Now it was time
To focus on his...conversation

Hidden away
She tried out her luck
She whispered in his ear
"fancy a...dance?"

He eagerly nodded
Then turned on the tranny
They danced close together
With his hands on her...hips

They fell in the boat
They were laughing in fits
He helped her get up
By grabbing her...hands

They had a wonderful night
With joy they couldn't contain
He couldn’t wait
To see her...tits, arse and pussy

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Weird Science



With her boots crunching down the gravel drive, like a polar bear walking on crunching ice but with boots on, she swaggered towards the mansion.

Her long black coat billowed out behind her, like something out of some kind of cool film full of cool people.

As she got closer to the door she took her sunglasses off, picked a bit of snot out of her eye, and then put them back on.

She read the sign on the door “Professor Aloysius Fugwhistle”, before pressing the door bell with her leather gloved index finger.

She stood with her hands on her hips looking for all the world like a life size version of an action figure version of some kind of busty superheroine.

She tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for the door to be opened. Eventually it did and an odd little round head popped round it.

“Ah, Anastazia!” Professor Fugwhistle exclaimed. “So good to see you, please come in.”

“You can dispense with the niceties Aloysius you old twat; you know why I’m here.”

“Yes Anastazia, sorry, come this way.”

“If I could come that way I wouldn’t be here, dumbass.” She sneered as she followed him inside the mansion.

“I hope for your sake my equipment is finally ready.” She snarled at his back as she followed him to his treatment room.

“Oh yes,” he simpered like a mad professor, which was quite fitting actually, “I do believe you’ll be very pleased.”

After opening the door to his treatment room he bade her to disrobe and lie on the leather couch.

“I’ll just put your feet in the stirrups.” He slobbered like a dog who’s caught a whiff of a bitch on heat, while staring at her shaven crotch.

“My face is up here dickwad.” she snapped. She waited patiently for his eyes to travel up her body, lingering a bit too long on her oversized, perfectly shaped breasts, to eventually settle on her face. She gave him a sinister smile before barking at him “GET ON WITH IT THEN!”

“Yes, yes, sorry, sorry.” He said. He turned and put on his lab coat, and strapped on a head mirror. As he busied himself getting his equipment ready he kept turning round to steal glimpses of the naked Anastazia like a naughty schoolboy who has realised he can see up the teachers skirt and she’s got no knickers on.

“I’ll just attach this here…and run this through here…then add this to this…and tidy up this bit here…and…done.” Professor Fugwhistle stood up to admire his handiwork. “Not too bad if I do say so myself, what do you think?” He handed Anastazia a mirror.

She looked at her self in the mirror and saw what basically looked like a silver clitoris. “Well it certainly looks good but how does it feel? How do I turn it on?”

The professor handed her a small keyring with a fob on it with a button in its centre.

“This is all you need, but I must warn you th….” The professor was interrupted by a loud humming noise like a thousand angry bees who had all just simultaneously stubbed a toe. This was followed by a loud groaning noise from Anastazia.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” Anastazia breathed, “fuck, fuck, fuck, that’s good! Come on you little hobbit, let’s see if you’re packing heat, I need a cock in me now!”

The professor’s fingers were a blur as he undid his trousers and flung them, along with his y-fronts, across the room. He approached the examination table determinedly, holding his cock in one hand and slapping it against the palm of his other.

“Jesus wept Aloysius; you kept that monster a secret!” Anastazia nearly slid off the table in the tidal wave from her clunge, “you’re like a fucking tripod son. Bring it here!”

She gripped the end of his massive tool in a vice like grip and pulled it towards her slippery fanny. Only the first two inches went in before the professor was on his tiptoes.

“I’m going to have to get a stool.” He said. Anastazia wailed like a cat on a hot tin roof, literally.

The professor quickly grabbed a stool and set steadfastly about his task. He rapidly slid in and out of her with half of his massive length, over and over, like a trombonist playing march of the bumblebees.

“GIVE ME IT ALL YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Anastazia screamed in a lust filled frenzy.

“I can’t, you’re unit will overheat.”

“It’s already red hot for god sake, just jam it in me or I’ll rip it off and jam it in myself!”

The professor sighed. “As you wish.” And pushed his entire length into her sopping wet gash.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!” she screamed in ecstasy. As the professor pumped away her skin temperature rose and rose until her areolas and nipples were glowing red, followed swiftly by her breasts.

“You’re going to burst into flames.” The professor yelled above the sexual cacophony.

“I’ll burst you if you stop!” she growled at him like an angry bear with an itchy arse and no arms.

A few pumps later the professor could last no more and pulled out spraying her glowing hot chest with thick sticky man seed. It danced about her chest like milk on a hot skillet.

Once Anastazia had cooled down she panted at the professor. “I think you’ve cracked it short arse, I’ll be back tomorrow for another go on your magic stick.”

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Fur coat



She stood in front of him naked and trembling slightly.

She had decided he deserved a treat so she turned up at his door in just a fur coat. She was excited but also nervous, she had never done anything like this before, but she decided he was worth it. She had shrugged off her coat and let it fall to the floor. She had been standing there for a few minutes.

"Well?" she asked.

He farted and started giggling.

She put her coat back on and left.