Tales of the Underpant

PORN INDUSTRY AWARDS

2010-07-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

A trembling crowd quivered in excitement in the late summer heat as they waited for a sight of the stars of the porn industry.

The heavens opened as the first cars pulled up, the hot wet crowd let out a gasp and then an excited moan of anticipation as the first big star appeared on the moistening, red velvety carpet.

The throbbing crowd pushed greedily forward, nudging repetitively against the barrier. The crowd seemed to spasm as they pushed deeper and deeper towards the enticing redness. The doors to the theatre were opened wide exposing the luxurious interior. As the first starlet plunged through the doors part of the barrier gave way, eagerly spilling people across the wet red carpet.

twatter

2010-04-12T08:21:00.001-07:00

NikoBellic @ randomhotchick hey baby how's it going?

3 minutes ago via Tweetdeck

randomhotchick @ NikoBellic hey Niko, it's going good, long time no see. The last time I saw you was at Michelle's party. She was pretty annoyed when she caught us f...

2 minutes ago via Tweetdeck

What does this button do?

2009-12-23T06:28:00.001-08:00

Being a virgin he thought the best way to proceed was to concentrate on lots of foreplay. He’d never seen a real woman’s body live and in the flesh before let alone touch one. Everything he was doing he was doing for the first time, he was watching and listening to her, trying to gauge what kind of reaction each part he touched produced. He wanted to make sure he got it right.

So far he had touched, with his hands or lips, her earlobes, her neck, her cheeks, her breasts and her nipples. He was working his way down her stomach, spotting her navel he had to suppress a giggle when he thought to himself “Ooh, what does this button do?”

He traced around her navel with his finger tip; that got a good reaction. He decided to run his finger tip over the centre of her belly button. As his finger swiped over her navel it flashed blue for a second then her arse fell off.

Surpise

2009-12-12T15:25:00.000-08:00

Having finished work early she decided not to phone her husband but to go home and surprise him instead.

She let herself in the front door and heard him upstairs. Shrugging off her coat she tiptoed up the stairs. Entering the bedroom she saw him, she crossed confidently across the room and stopped in front of him. He looked surprised to see her.

Instead of greeting him she said, "Take off my blouse." He didn't speak but with trembling hands he took off her blouse.
"Now take off my skirt." In one swift movement her skirt was off.
"Take off my bra." He removed her bra skilfully one handed.
"Take off my panties." In a second they were on the floor.
"Take off my stockings." Her last items of clothing were soon off.
"Now," she said forcefully, "if I come home early from work and catch you wearing my clothes again, I want a divorce.

Cyber sex

2009-12-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

Horny single minded guy: can you turn your web cam on?

Bored annoyed multi tasking gal: erm...it's broke sorry.

Horny single minded guy: ah well never mind, what you wearing?

Bored annoyed multi tasking gal: grey joggy bottoms with paint on them, a jack daniels t-shirt with what could be bean stains on it, a bra that was once white but is now grey and has a bit of underwire sticking out, big comfy knickers with loose elastic and pink slippers that used to be fuzzy but are now shiny. What are you wearing big boy?

*HORNY SINGLE MINDED GUY IS CURRENTLY OFFLINE*

Just do me!

2009-12-03T05:28:00.000-08:00

Just fuck me, don't duck me and put your stupid paper down
The sports section, over an erection? Most men would think you were a clown
Please see me, bending freely, stop trying to look past me so you can watch the tv
Don't duck me, just fuck me you twat

Just screw me, just do me, turn your bloody x-box off
Your gaming, I'm blaming, is the reason you never get me off
Don't be sad, don't feel bad, come and press the buttons on my fleshy joypad
Just do me, just screw me you twat

Just lay me, don't play me, no need to mow the lawn right now
Grass cutting, means nothing, next to this old horny cow
Ditch the mower, get a grower, plough my private furrow for me fast then slower
Don’t play me, just lay me you twat

Just hump me, don't dump me, to go down to the pub with pals
Drinking bitter, is shitter, than an evening in with both the "gals"
Just these two, can thrill you, you'll get a frothy head from your pump if you do
Don't dump me, just hump you twat

Just shag me, don't nag me and put your saw and hammer back
Stop banging, and clanging, I nearly had a heart attack
Stop sawing, it's boring, make me feel a woman on the ripped up flooring
Don't nag me, just shag me you twat

Just ride me, don't chide me, and stop pretending you're asleep
Stop wincing, it's not convincing, I want to feel you in me deep
Be reckless, and feckless, I'll even let you furnish me with a pearl necklace
Don't chide me, just ride me you twat

Thanks Victoria.

Spanky's Halloween lesbo gang bang

2009-12-02T05:17:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Spanky.

I'm the kind of guy that enjoys a party, especially the kind of party that gives me an excuse to dress up. As you can probably guess from that my favourite kind of party is a Halloween party.

I've been hosting Halloween parties for years with varying degrees of awesomeness but nothing compares to the party I threw this year.

Let me tell you all about it.

I had everything set up and I was just waiting for my guests to arrive. The doorbell rang and I pulled on my mask to go and answer it.

When I opened the door there stood 14 of the most gorgeous girls I had ever seen in my life. Every single one of them was dressed as a sexy something or other, sexy nurse, sexy witch, etc etc.

I didn't recognise a single one of them but I still let them in. They all went to my living room via my kitchen, grabbing drinks along the way.

I followed them like a lost puppy, slack jawed, wide eyed and drooling. They started their own little party, some were dancing, some were chatting and some were like totally making out! It didn’t take long before they were all making out.

I watched totally amazed at the scene unfolding before me. There were clothes coming off, dildos being produced from handbags, strap ons being...erm...strapped on. This was going to be awesome.

I stripped off my costume and got ready to wade in. I hadn't even got close when two of the girls grabbed me. I was in seventh heaven. That was until they started walking me to the door. On the way out one said "We're lesbians stupid, put your pointless, tiny wiener away and get lost."

They threw me out of my own house and locked the door! I went round to the front window, the curtains were open a little and I peaked through. I only had the chance to spot a writhing mass of naked lady flesh before I was spotted and they were closed.

Here I was semi naked, with a boner, standing outside my own house while 14 sexy lesbians were getting it on in my living room!

Halloween sucks!

If Tales of the Underpant was a TV show

2009-11-26T07:33:00.001-08:00

This would be the theme tune.
Performed by Girls Allowed (to be hairy down below if they want)

One night stands that happen every nigh-ight
Honestly, I’m not just full of shi-ite
I beat them away with a shitty sti-ick
Why would I lie I’ve got a massive di-ick

It’s not a blog to help your mast-ur-ba-tion
Nudie photos won’t be seen on here
This is aimed more at the comic nation
The only fluids will be when you cry a tear
Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

Kinky sex games featuring fresh la-ard
Thumb it in it isn’t getting ha-ard
Ripping nighties off just with your tee-eeth
Being serenaded by a bloke called Kei-eith

It’s not a blog to help your mast-ur-ba-tion
Nudie photos won’t be seen on here
This is aimed more at the comic nation
The only fluids will be when you cry a tear
Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

Read a tale, a joke or a poem
Leave a comment in the space below
Pretty soon the tears’ll be flowin’
It’s just a joke a, just a joke a
Just a joke a, just a joke you know

It's the Tales of the Underpant
Just some bloke writing stuff for a la-a-augh
It isn’t serious
It’s a bit of fun that’s sometimes mischievous
Maybe he’ll get a book
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
See it happen? No, I can’t
It’s the Tales of the Under
Tales of the Underpant

A deal to put in print all the piss he took
It's the tales of the under
Tales of the underpant
A deal to put in print all the piss he took
It's the tales of the under
Tales of the underpant

Review

2009-11-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

I have been reviewed!

Not only that but I've been reviewed well.

A friend pointed it out to me this morning. An actual review, written for Tales of the Underpant, on the blog for the awesome independant magazine Muckle Sandwich.

After reading it there was much blushing by me.

Go check them out, they do good stuff.

Also...to stay with the eroticomedy theme...erm...tits 'n' that.

Censorship

2009-11-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

It's that ole devil called love again,
Gets behind me and keeps giving me that *beep* again,
Putting *beep* in my eyes, *beep* in my *beep*,
And *beep* in my *beep*.

It's that sly ole son of a gun again,
He keeps telling me, I'm the *beep* one again.
But I still have that *beep*, still have those *beep*,
And those *beep* in my *beep*.

S'pose I didnt stay - ran away - didn't play,
The devil what a *beep*, he would brew.

He'd follow me around, *beep* me up, tear me *beep*,
Till I'll be so bewildered, I wont know *beep* to *beep*.
Might as well, give up the *beep* again.
I know darn well, he'll convince me, that he's *beep* again.
When he sings that *beep* song, I'm just gonna *beep* *beep*,
With that ole devil called love.

He'd follow me around, *beep* me up, tear me *beep*,
Till I'll be so bewildered, I wont know *beep* to *beep*.
Might as well, give up the *beep* again.
I know darn well, he'll convince me that he's *beep* again.
When he sings that sorry song, I'm just gonna *beep* *beep*,
With that ole devil called love.

Forbidden love

2009-11-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

He tenderly stroked her face. "Darling," he spoke softly, "would you wear that new outfit I bought you?" She didn't reply.

Taking her silence to mean no he continued. "You don't have to wear the whole outfit, how about just the basque?" Again she remained silent.

He tried not to huff, "Just the thong, stockings and suspenders then?"

"..."

"Stockings and suspenders?"

"..."

"Just the stockings then?" he pleaded, "pleeeeeease."

He looked into her eyes, his expression like that of a lost puppy. Finally she spoke.

"BAA!"

"Oh thank you darling." He replied gleefully.

A love poem

2009-11-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

You are so fine
Like a china doll
Your skin's so smooth...in patches
Your fashion sense
Is beyond compare
Except your underwear never matches
Your hair's so soft
Like fine spun gold
Just a pity there's none on your head
Your eyes do sparkle
Like the finest gems
They're a brilliant ruby red
Your lips are full
Your pout devine
You can barely see your 'tache
Your teeth are...there
They're in your mouth
They're the colour of fine fag ash
Your figure is sexy
You have all the right curves
Though they're not all in the right place
Your bosoms are perfect
Apart from one thing
They're too far away from your face
Your bum's like a peach
Straight out of a book
That one written by Roald Dahl
Your legs are stunning
They go on for miles
Though they don't consider each other a pal
I've written with love
It's been from the heart
You are my sexy old hag
When next we're alone
I'll turn down the lights
So I can't see you when we're having a shag

How's about it doll?

Profanisaurus (option b)

2009-11-12T04:58:00.000-08:00

Titania was unable to resist his overwhelming charms. She was becoming aroused in spite of herself, her rib cushions were sporting a couple of Bruce Lees.

The sight of his naked body made her tremble; his blue veined custard chucker was like a baby’s arm holding an apple. She let him undress her and stood there self consciously while he scanned her naked body taking in her top bollocks and bear trappers’ hat.

They embraced closely, both fully naked, and she could feel his dancers lance brushing against her fish mitten.

"I'd like to see you touch yourself." he said gently. She'd never been a gusset typist but she was caught up in the moment and she immediately reached for her budgies tongue.

"Put a finger inside." he demanded more forcefully. She slipped first one and then two digits inside her skin chimney. They went in easily as she was as wet as an otter’s pocket.

He held her wrist and lifted her fingers to his mouth. He licked her sweet juices from her fingers then whispered. "Mmm, disco fanny."

Using his wanking spanners he fiddled with her axe wound and chapel hat pegs. He traced his hand down her back and briefly touched her panda’s eye.

After feeding the pony for a few minutes he requested she kneel in front of him. She was inexperienced in the art of fellatio and she started off by giving him a Dizzy Gillespie, this obviously wasn't her strong point so they readjusted and she gave him a trombone instead.

He lifted her in his strong muscular arms and placed her naked body on the table. She was soon to be the receiver of swollen goods and she was giddy with excitement.
Placing his purple headed womb broom at the entrance to her serpent socket, he asked her if she was ready.

In a slightly trembling voice she said "Yes, I want you conkers deep in my moss cottage!"

He set about his task with gusto. Much to his surprise she went at it like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper and after a bit of double bassing he was ready to cough his filthy yoghurt.

As he was approaching Billy Mill roundabout he pulled out and furnished her with a full set of jelly jewellery. Her ripped out fireplace looked like a bulldog eating porridge.

"I think I love you." She exclaimed while he was having a zuffle.

Profanisaurus (option A)

2009-11-09T05:04:00.001-08:00

"ROAR! Went the mighty dinosaur as it crashed through the undergrowth, it's muscular dinosaur legs causing the earth to tremble with every giant step. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. The fearsome beast stopped at the edge of a clearing as it spied a female of the species. Her sexy, scaly dinosaur hide aroused him causing his enormous dinosaur cock to become engorged and quite frankly frighteningly huge. He approached her with caution. On seeing his mighty dinosaur manhood she was overcome instantly with prehistoric animal lust and immediately assumed the position." He said.

"You're a fucking nutcase." She replied.

A poem

2009-11-06T02:43:00.000-08:00

She hired a boat
She thought was a punt
He worked up a sweat
With his hands on her...oars

They'd been out for hours
They were miles from the dock
She checked for onlookers
Then wrapped her lips round his...sandwich

He raised up his head
Then exclaimed "mmm so juicy"
Then he got back to work
Licking and sucking her...strawberries

With the meal now over
She gave her lips a lick
Now it was time
To focus on his...conversation

Hidden away
She tried out her luck
She whispered in his ear
"fancy a...dance?"

He eagerly nodded
Then turned on the tranny
They danced close together
With his hands on her...hips

They fell in the boat
They were laughing in fits
He helped her get up
By grabbing her...hands

They had a wonderful night
With joy they couldn't contain
He couldn’t wait
To see her...tits, arse and pussy

Weird Science

2009-11-05T03:35:00.001-08:00

With her boots crunching down the gravel drive, like a polar bear walking on crunching ice but with boots on, she swaggered towards the mansion.

Her long black coat billowed out behind her, like something out of some kind of cool film full of cool people.

As she got closer to the door she took her sunglasses off, picked a bit of snot out of her eye, and then put them back on.

She read the sign on the door “Professor Aloysius Fugwhistle”, before pressing the door bell with her leather gloved index finger.

She stood with her hands on her hips looking for all the world like a life size version of an action figure version of some kind of busty superheroine.

She tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for the door to be opened. Eventually it did and an odd little round head popped round it.

“Ah, Anastazia!” Professor Fugwhistle exclaimed. “So good to see you, please come in.”

“You can dispense with the niceties Aloysius you old twat; you know why I’m here.”

“Yes Anastazia, sorry, come this way.”

“If I could come that way I wouldn’t be here, dumbass.” She sneered as she followed him inside the mansion.

“I hope for your sake my equipment is finally ready.” She snarled at his back as she followed him to his treatment room.

“Oh yes,” he simpered like a mad professor, which was quite fitting actually, “I do believe you’ll be very pleased.”

After opening the door to his treatment room he bade her to disrobe and lie on the leather couch.

“I’ll just put your feet in the stirrups.” He slobbered like a dog who’s caught a whiff of a bitch on heat, while staring at her shaven crotch.

“My face is up here dickwad.” she snapped. She waited patiently for his eyes to travel up her body, lingering a bit too long on her oversized, perfectly shaped breasts, to eventually settle on her face. She gave him a sinister smile before barking at him “GET ON WITH IT THEN!”

“Yes, yes, sorry, sorry.” He said. He turned and put on his lab coat, and strapped on a head mirror. As he busied himself getting his equipment ready he kept turning round to steal glimpses of the naked Anastazia like a naughty schoolboy who has realised he can see up the teachers skirt and she’s got no knickers on.

“I’ll just attach this here…and run this through here…then add this to this…and tidy up this bit here…and…done.” Professor Fugwhistle stood up to admire his handiwork. “Not too bad if I do say so myself, what do you think?” He handed Anastazia a mirror.

She looked at her self in the mirror and saw what basically looked like a silver clitoris. “Well it certainly looks good but how does it feel? How do I turn it on?”

The professor handed her a small keyring with a fob on it with a button in its centre.

“This is all you need, but I must warn you th….” The professor was interrupted by a loud humming noise like a thousand angry bees who had all just simultaneously stubbed a toe. This was followed by a loud groaning noise from Anastazia.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” Anastazia breathed, “fuck, fuck, fuck, that’s good! Come on you little hobbit, let’s see if you’re packing heat, I need a cock in me now!”

The professor’s fingers were a blur as he undid his trousers and flung them, along with his y-fronts, across the room. He approached the examination table determinedly, holding his cock in one hand and slapping it against the palm of his other.

“Jesus wept Aloysius; you kept that monster a secret!” Anastazia nearly slid off the table in the tidal wave from her clunge, “you’re like a fucking tripod son. Bring it here!”

She gripped the end of his massive tool in a vice like grip and pulled it towards her slippery fanny. Only the first two inches went in before the professor was on his tiptoes.

“I’m going to have to get a stool.” He said. Anastazia wailed like a cat on a hot tin roof, literally.

The professor quickly grabbed a stool and set steadfastly about his task. He rapidly slid in and out of her with half of his massive length, over and over, like a trombonist playing march of the bumblebees.

“GIVE ME IT ALL YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Anastazia screamed in a lust filled frenzy.

“I can’t, you’re unit will overheat.”

“It’s already red hot for god sake, just jam it in me or I’ll rip it off and jam it in myself!”

The professor sighed. “As you wish.” And pushed his entire length into her sopping wet gash.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!” she screamed in ecstasy. As the professor pumped away her skin temperature rose and rose until her areolas and nipples were glowing red, followed swiftly by her breasts.

“You’re going to burst into flames.” The professor yelled above the sexual cacophony.

“I’ll burst you if you stop!” she growled at him like an angry bear with an itchy arse and no arms.

A few pumps later the professor could last no more and pulled out spraying her glowing hot chest with thick sticky man seed. It danced about her chest like milk on a hot skillet.

Once Anastazia had cooled down she panted at the professor. “I think you’ve cracked it short arse, I’ll be back tomorrow for another go on your magic stick.”

Fur coat

2009-11-04T15:18:00.000-08:00

She stood in front of him naked and trembling slightly.

She had decided he deserved a treat so she turned up at his door in just a fur coat. She was excited but also nervous, she had never done anything like this before, but she decided he was worth it. She had shrugged off her coat and let it fall to the floor. She had been standing there for a few minutes.

"Well?" she asked.

He farted and started giggling.

She put her coat back on and left.

Hustle and Bustle

2009-10-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

Standing stock upright due to my restrictive garments I played the most woeful of shots on the billiard table.
"Captain Foswhacket, I simply can't get the angle to play a decent shot, my bustle is far too restrictive. You've bested me this time." I declared.
The captain suddenly had a wicked glint in his eye, I knew he wanted to suggest I remove some garments but he was far too much of a gentleman to suggest it. However I knew the only way to beat him, and to win the wager would be to disrobe.
"Perhaps if I were not restricted so, then I could at least put up more of a challenge."
"A...A.... Are you suggesting that you wish to.... to...disrobe?" The usually cool captain stuttered. "Miss Bucquet, I feel it would be improper for you to do so."
"Captain," I declared calmly, though I felt anything but calm, "I do believe you are acquainted with me enough by now to call me Fanny. It would be improper for me to disrobe however wouldn't it be more improper for a gentleman such as yourself not to allow me the opportunity to compete fairly in our wager?" I smiled coquettishly at the red-faced captain. I had given him enough reason to allow me to continue.
"W…w…well if you put it that way, I suppose I have no choice."
As I started to undress the captain looked away, but soon enough he was watching me. I started by untying and then removing my bonnet, followed by my stiff overcoat. My more delicate housecoat was next.
"Captain, I'll need your assistance with the buttons on my dress please."
The captain almost exploded with excitement at the prospect. He shuffled over to me, trying to hide the disgusting bulge in his britches no doubt, and bade me turn around. As I felt his fat sweaty fingers fumble clumsily with my pearl buttons I couldn't help but smile to myself, I had him right were I wanted him.
Soon enough all of my buttons were undone and I slipped my dress off. The captain returned to his original position.
I unhooked my bustle and let it fall to the floor with a thud, followed by my undershirt and petticoat. I was left standing in my girdle, bloomers, stockings and boots.
"There, that's much better." I said. The captain had turned an alarming shade of red. In the next five minutes I played several shots, making sure to expose as much cleavage and bare skin as I dared.
I missed my last shot but I still felt confident as I had one more trick up my sleeve.
"Oh dear, if you make this shot then you will have won." I said.
"Hmm, yes, yes I believe you're right." Said the captain dreamily.
As he leaned over the table to take his winning shot I clasped my palms together and tried to make my elbows touch. This had the effect of pushing my bosoms up and together. The captain let fly with the cue, ripping the baize and sending the cue ball flying off the table and smashing through the window.
"Oh dear captain," I exclaimed, "it looks as if I've won. Please write my cheque out while I get dressed."
As I put my things on the captain went to his desk to write my cheque. As he was writing it he muttered. "I do believe you've hustled me you little strumpet."
"Why captain, how could you accuse me of such a thing?"
As I departed from the captain's house I looked at my prize and read out loud. "I, Captain Foswhacket, promise to pay Miss Fanny Lyka Bucquet ten thousand pounds."
"Damn," I thought, "how does he know my middle name?"

Period drama

2009-10-29T02:55:00.000-07:00

*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"God you must be so turned on tonight, you're so wet" He said proudly
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"Erm...damn straight baby" she replied, through her teeth.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"Well that didn't sound too convincing" he said hurtfully.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"Didn't it?" she replied hopefully.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"Nope, not at all" he said adamantly.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"I've no idea why lover" she growled seductively.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"Tell me why you're so wet." he said demandingly.
*in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out*
"I've got my period." she replied truthfully.
*in................out..............halfway in..................completely out*
"Bleurgh!" he vomited, squeamishly.

The Photographer

2009-10-26T04:12:00.000-07:00

I was in a bad mood.
It was a hot sunny day in London and I wished I was outside on a photo shoot instead of being stuck in this stuffy studio.
I was sweating and my knackers kept sticking to my leg, not only that but the model was late.
"Fuck this." I said to myself as I started packing up my gear. "She's probably a stuck up cow anyway."

Just as I was tucking away my equipment the most beautiful woman I had ever seen walked in.
"Hi. I'm sorry I'm late."
She flashed me a smile that raised my temperature (as well as something else) to a dangerously high level.
"H.. h.. hi come in." I stammered. "Are you late? I didn't realise."
"Yeah. Where can I get changed?"
"There's a room just over there." I said pointing to a door while simultaneously trying to hide the sweat mark under my arm. It wasn't the most elegant manoeuvre ever witnessed; I looked like I was doing a bad impression of an elephant.

As the model went into the room I started pulling out my equipment again. I set up my camera and attached my longest lens to it. When she came back out I was sitting idly polishing the end of my twelve incher.
"That's impressive." Said the model.

She was wearing a tiny gold bikini, which struggled to contain her massive tits and looked like it was giving her the wedgie of a lifetime.
Not as impressive as your tits I thought. She had a pair on her like a couple of bald pensioners fighting over the last custard cream.

There was a barely audible noise which sounded kind of like Velcro being pulled apart as my rising member pealed my nuts from my leg.
"Did you just open your wallet?"
"Erm...no, no. So what would you like to do first? We've got a paddling pool full of beans, or there's some paint you could roll around in."
"I thought this was a respectable magazine?" She said licking her oversized lips.
"Oh it is, it is. There won't be any nudity or anything."
"Oh that's a shame. I'll do the beans first."
My pecker was trying to break out of my pants like an angry snake trapped in a bag.
"Ok jump in and I'll start shooting." My load if I don't calm down, I thought. As soon as she stepped in the pool I started frantically fingering my button. I gently tweaked my focus to get a clear shot of her.

"OH!" She squealed. "I've got some beans in my bikini bottoms. Can you help me?"
I just about dropped my camera.
"Sure. What do you want me to do?"
"Just come over here and help me." She barked.
I put my camera down and crossed the room toward her. As soon as I got near she reached out and grabbed my cock like a hungry dog after a sausage, freed it from its linen cage and shoved it greedily down her throat.
"OOOF!" I exclaimed lustfully.
Her head was bobbing up and down like a buoy in a thunderstorm. She pulled back to stop me from shooting and lay down on the floor. I got on my hands and knees and nosed her bikini bottoms to one side like a trained seal after a fish and started lapping away like a kitten under a cow udder.
I had only been down for a few seconds when she started gushing at the gash. I knelt up and wiped my face on my sleeve as I admired my handiwork. The model shot forward and gripped my missile to guide it home.
"Why Mr. Photographer, you've got one on you like an elephant with elephantiasis." She sighed seductively.
"Cheers."

I started pumping back and forth like the one remaining piston in a fucked engine doing ninety-mph.
"Easy mate you could have my leg off!" She whispered erotically in my ear.
"Why don't you take me from behind?" She said as I whipped it out and my first spurt of thick ropey jism slapped wetly against her face and giant tits.
"What did you say?" I asked.
"Never mind." She replied.